My first summer holiday from my job in education and boy, have I learned a whole lot about myself. In just six short weeks I have gone from being an excited expectant single mother to an optimistic childless girlfriend. I wasn’t single when I started the holidays no, my new beau and I’s love was blossoming as early as June but it blossomed so quickly and so fully that he was able to talk me out of becoming a mother alone – a drastic decision I’d made after imagining I would never find someone to love and be loved by again. Life’s timing truly is exquisite.
After 15-18 weeks of pregnancy (my Natural Cycles contraceptive app had me at 15 weeks but the scan and head measurements required during my bpas consultation put me at 18) we (new love and I) headed to the beautiful grounds of bpas Streatham clinic where a dilation and evacuation procedure was performed. The insertion of the dilation rods was unpleasant but nothing compared to the time a trainee nurse attempted to insert an intrauterine device and the evacuation? (that’s removal to you and me) I was asleep for. I came around feeling most well-rested and actually the most harrowing part of the whole experience was having to go nil by mouth for an entire day!!!! As someone who gets hangry between elevenses and brunch this was almost unbearable.
I am proud of my choice and executing on it. Don’t get me wrong, I really, really want to be a mum, I was incredibly excited to give birth and breastfeed and start bonding with the little human I made but the child would either have had no stable father figure at all or a patchy, hapless arrangement involving long periods of neglect and loss of contact. (I mean no disrespect to the single-parents out there, I was raised by my only my ma and am auntie to two boys in a successfully & beautifully-blended family but I am trying to give my children what I didn’t have – the opportunity to witness their mum and dad loving each other healthily in a stable familial unit) I forfeited what I desperately want for what was best for the human-to-be and now I must be patient and wait for my new man to be ready to become a father (again….he already has a 4-year-old from a previous relationship)
It has been really hard, I haven’t always been reasonable and kind to The Boyf when he explains that having a child with someone you’ve only known for two months feels risky and unhinged to him. To help me stop obsessing about creating a new life I started to look at the LIFE I DO have right here and now and wondered if the ubiquitous legacy of my own absent father and inadequate parenting could be stopping me from achieving my own parenting and family goals. Maybe I need to work on overcoming the shortcomings I experienced in my own up-bringing before I am able to manifest the right circumstances to do any better? With that possibility in mind I got back in touch with my estranged brother, he and I had fallen out over his womanising. As an Ecofeminist I found it hard to accept the infidelity and disrespect that he serves to the women in his life. However, since it is only as a result of poor parenting, the very same poor parenting that still afflicts me, that he has developed these personality traits I decided to be compassionate, to accept him for who he is with all his faults and foibles. I bought us a pair of tickets for his birthday (the first time I have celebrated or acknowledged it in years) and we went to SW4 Festival in Clapham. Instead of ruminating remotely on why I hate him I remembered why I love him. I discovered that I love him despite himself, he’s fucking funny, he works as hard as he plays and is always ready to laugh (usually at the expense of others). I love him despite myself, Ecofeminist or not….. I love him unconditionally and fooling myself that it’s otherwise only upsets me and stops us enjoying a fucked-up, dysfunctional but ultimately loving relationship. Developing this habit of focussing only on what is good, locating the seed of goodness in the shitty soil, will come in handy when I become a mumma and forgiving my brother for becoming who he has, allowing him to be who he has been forced to become, could also be bringing me the peaceful heart I need to attract a peaceful home.